In these strange times when two eclipses have just drawn their breaths cleansing many of our individual and collective stories, I want to look inwards, where the paths I've taken converge with the paths I want to take.
I think about the interplay of water and fire — time and space to let our inward energies shape into birdcalls and blooms within us — time and energy to take these birdcalls and bloomshapes out into the world. The time for deep listening. The time for acting out of the depths of our vision and passion.
I think about balance, and how to know it is time to restore ourselves by taking in more or less of one energy in comparison to the other.
May we remember who we are, letting our actions be guided by the fire within that is always looking into its eyes the waters we come from and return to.
May we remember to balance our needs!
As I sit in my bed after three fire days, comforter around knees, my moon cycle has finally caught up with me. On day four, I am finally letting my moon time determine the shores of my waking day.
I am letting the patience of wind sift through my hair, my bones.
It is a perplexing and joyous beginning of understanding, this: tending night and day, dreamer and builder, moon and sun, water and fire, feminine and masculine, Shakti and Shiva within me so each may feel honored and appreciated. So each may contribute to the expanding, becoming self that is me.
This is how the heart sees.
This is how the heart knows.
Both yes and no at the same time, encompassed in a larger Yes.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Coal and ash, each one a state of the other.
The magic of alchemy lies in synthesizing all parts of ourselves, so that we may know ourselves as larger than we have ever done before.
A trickle becomes a fluid drop of colors.
It is rainbow that comes together to create clarity.
In this world of many schisms, my part is to heal the schisms within myself--
so I don't react to and reinforce the schisms "outside" me.
And so I trace my fingers over my scars and let them drop
love over scars until
scars change color.
Freedom & accountability.
Earth & stars.
This thing of relationship, this ampersand!
The end of last year reminded me that to walk my North Node (soul growth) path of Leo, I must embrace more of the attributes that fall outside my Aquarian South Node conditioned/comfort zone: not hiding in a crowd or a group but shining, playing and sharing my joy — joie de vivre, not staying outside a situation I am not liking but calling on my ability to intervene and make a difference. Participate, not detach! Let yourself be seen, don't hide! All "sun" qualities that it feels exhilarating and a little scary to my water-soul to choose to grow consciously.
These new parts in me need tending. They need spaces in which to show themselves in all their colorfulness. The inner child needs spaces in which to play with unfettered joy.
Slowly, as I build these muscles and find my way to yet unfamiliar shores, I am realizing it is time to heal my relationship with the communities I had stepped back from. It is time for me to stop feeling and acting like an outsider in the communities that do work that matters to me. The more I look for them, the more I find foremothers and ancestors, elders and peers whose words and work reflect the knowing that activism and healing go hand in hand, that poetry and art spring from the source of spirit, from a sacred place!
It has been hard for me to take my place amongst art and activism communities out of a fear that parts of me will be rejected or judged, that my relationship to the sacred will not be understood. These fears, which reflect personal and cultural schisms and wounds, I am slowly realizing, don't need to hang around me anymore—don't need to govern my choices of involvement anymore. I can discern and will discover spaces that celebrate, not just accept, all parts of me! And if they don't, I can still give permission to me to be myself in all my multiplicity and ampersandness.
Whose permission are we waiting for to know that each part of us—each particle, atom, and element in the cosmos—wants to come into a delicate, passionate relationship with the totality of ourselves?
When dualisms move together in us and not on opposite sides, imagine what we can begin to perceive. Imagine what we can create! New realities, new zones of connection, new functioning wholes, holiness that works us from the inside out and outside in!
There are many models of being a poet, diviner, scholar, activist out there, and better still, I can fashion my own model uniquely suited to me and my life purpose.
At the borderlands, it is all possible.